RELATIONSHIPS: December seeks May for romance

I have a confession to make: I've been extremely judgmental of gay couples with a huge age disparity.

I've often seen a guy in his 40s or 50s with a boyfriend in his 20s and thought their coupling was the manifestation of one psychological complex or another. You know the textbook cases --  the older man has a "daddy" complex and wants someone young to idolize him or to control; the younger guy seeks a loving replacement for a distant father or someone established and richer to take care of him.

The sexual appeal of Mr. May's dewy, taut flesh and Energizer Bunny stamina was another obvious attraction I identified for Mr. December. (I'm so wise and generous).

And yes, I've considered they could be in love. I'm not so jaded that I ruled it out altogether. I just thought it highly unlikely.

But today I pressed pause on "What's Love Got To Do With It?"

It dawned on me as I was driving home from my Spanish lesson that a huge part of the appeal of May-December relationships for older guys could be this idea of a romantic love.

THE LIFE: Terms of endearment or entrapment

I've always understood as a journalist that you can ask anyone about anything -- without causing a "Real Housewives" table-flipping, neck-rolling, wig-tugging scene. It's all about how you ask the question.

The key is to get across to the person you're interviewing your intention behind the deeply personal, potentially embarrassing probe -- through your tone of voice, facial expression, body language and lead-in questions.

* Senator Craig, when did you first realize you had a talent for tap-dancing in small spaces?

All of the best interviewers have a pose or mannerism they use to ask tough questions, but above all, having a genuine interest in the answer is paramount to getting at the truth.

It's a theory I often apply in my non-work life. I like asking questions but not in a way that makes the person I'm asking uncomfortable to answer honestly.

It's something gay men have done throughout our history.

HISTORY: The ball goes on for unlikely activists



A participant in a Gay Mardi Gras ball takes the stage in an elaborate
costume. The men often make their own showstopping ensembles,
using a backpack as the foundation to balance and carry their large
Vegas-style headpieces.







Before Stonewall erupted in 1969, bringing national attention to anti-gay discrimination and police harassment in New York, there were groups of young men in New Orleans primping, parading and performing their way into history as civil rights activists.



These men used the art of drag and Mardi Gras to form clubs – also known as krewes – which allowed them and other gay men to be themselves and bond as a community. In 1962 Petronius was the first gay krewe to apply for and be granted a charter, like other clubs in the city.

Each year the krewes hosted Gay Mardi Gras balls, elaborate send-ups of high society’s Carnival celebration. The balls became a popular tradition in the city’s French Quarter, despite the law against cross-dressing.

The only time drag was legally allowed in New Orleans in the 1950s and '60s was during Mardi Gras. Even then, a costume had to have at least one item of men’s clothing and it couldn’t be worn after dark. It was not uncommon for balls to be the target of police raids, but the men were persistent.

In his first feature-length documentary, “The Sons of Tennessee Williams” (www.exposureroom.com/sonsofTWtrailer), filmmaker Tim Wolff reveals how the balls evolved from being “criminal activity” to being a cultural phenomenon that attracts gay and straight people. The film, which had two sold-out screenings this month at the Palm Springs International Film Festival (http://www.psfilmfest.org/), also takes viewers on an inspiring, humorous journey through New Orleans' gay history.

RELATIONSHIPS: Oh brother, you're gay too?





The Cohan brothers from about 1970 (left to right): David, Dan and Gary





When David Cohan came out to his family a year after college, he already had an ally within the fold who could identify with his struggle and offer guidance -- only David didn't realize it at the time.

He was the youngest of three sons in a middle-class Jewish American family in Philadelphia. After coming out he learned from friends that his brother Gary, the middle son, also was gay. Though they were not particularly close, having a gay sibling freed David from the sense of "aloneness" many gay men feel when they come out to their families. It helps that there's someone else who understands the experience and the family dynamic.

For those of us who don't have a close gay relative, there's a curiosity about what it would be like to have a gay brother to give advice and support, and show us the ropes.

David shares his experience with THE WILL DEAN SHOW, emphasizing that each family's situation is different and every sibling's perspective is unique. For example, after David came out to himself he realized his brother might be gay, but Gary hadn't said it.

RELATIONSHIPS: Women who like men who love guys



Friends Veronica Ochoa and Anival Morales bonded through divorce,
spontaneous nudity and a photo shoot with an inanimate third party.

 A great philosopher once said, "Friendship is love with wings."

Cicero, who lived Before Christ and just about everyone else, had a point. With wings of support, encouragement and advice from friends, we often feel empowered to soar in life, to be who we really are, achieve what we want.

Several centuries later the celebrated English poet Lord Byron described friendship as "love without his wings."  OK, I get his point too.

When lusty love is fleeting or life spins out of control, a good friend can ground us with his acceptance, humor or command to "snap out of it."

For many gay men, the strongest source of friendship -- with or without wings -- is often a straight woman. Consider Will and Grace. Their friendship was the most enduring, rewarding relationship for both during the sitcom's run. And look at Elizabeth Taylor and Monty, Elizabeth and Rock, Elizabeth and Roddy ...

What is it about gay men and straight women that creates such a kinship? The bond has become so common in life and popular culture that women on reality TV shows are referring to their gay male friends as their "gay husbands."

To get the female perspective  THE WILL DEAN SHOW asked flight attendant Veronica Ochoa to explore what makes her relationship with Anival Morales (her BFF) work and why it's such an important part of her life.

PHILANTHROPY: Tap into your passion

When Sherman Tam was promoted in June, his new job as a senior marketing manager for a technology firm brought all of the changes he expected to his career.

He had prestige, more responsibility, a bigger team and financial rewards. At age 43, Sherman had achieved the pinnacle of corporate success. “I felt I had accomplished what I wanted to do professionally.”

What he didn’t see coming was the nagging question, which began as a whisper as he settled into his new position: “Is this what I wanted to do with the rest of my life?”

He knew the answer.

“Corporate America was not my thing long-term,” Sherman said. Increasing market share and revenue didn’t compare with the sense of purpose and personal fulfillment he felt whenever he volunteered with a nonprofit organization.

ARTS & BOOKS: A chat with Armistead Maupin

Whenever I hear the name, Armistead Maupin, I think back to the first time I encountered the iconic author's work -- and the old chicken-and-egg debate ensues. Except it's the book-and-miniseries debate.

I'm sure I learned of Armistead through his "Tales of the City" series, but I do not recall whether I read the books or watched the miniseries first. What I remember is being thoroughly entertained and feeling as if I knew this grab-bag of bold, sexy, lovable, gay, straight and transgender characters.

More than 30 years after he introduced us to his San Francisco playground, Armistead continues to explore the lives of Mary Ann Singleton, Michael Tolliver and their crew. This year he released "Mary Ann in Autumn," the eighth book in the series and his 34th tome overall.

When Armistead visited THE WILL DEAN SHOW this week he discussed the real-life shenanigans that inspired the series, the ongoing lesson of his work and the one word he feels describes the challenges gay men face today.

OUR WORLD: Gay in the Middle East



Michael Luongo, author

 Gay men are everywhere.

For evidence supporting this adage, look no further than the work of journalist Michael Luongo. Michael goes where these men and their stories are, from Texas to Buenos Aires to Baghdad.

I met Michael in 2001 in Dallas. I was attending my first National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association Convention, and feeling a little lost. Michael must've noticed I was a newbie because he came over and was so kind and helpful to me during that time. When the convention ended he told me was going to stay behind and explore other parts of Texas.

He still has that adventurous spirit. After he agreed to be interviewed on THE WILL DEAN SHOW about his most recent work, I sent him the questions by e-mail, which he planned to answer while en route to Buenos Aires, Argentina. He's moved there for a few months to update Frommer’s Buenos Aires guidebook.

FITNESS: Cuckoo for coconut oil

BY LORNE OPLER

Spend enough time in the gym, as I'm sure many if not most readers of this blog do, and you'll likely get all kinds of advice about nutrition.  Some of what you'll hear is credible, some not.   Such is the case with coconut oil. Look for

and have a soft, distinct taste and te

You can’t go anywhere today without hearing about saturated fats. And what you hear from almost all dietitians is that saturated fats are bad for you. Truth is, not all are.  Coconut oil is a good example. Indeed, if exercise and healthy eating are part of your daily routine, coconut oil should be part of it too.   

While coconut oil is almost entirely made up of saturated fats (approx 90 percent), it is mostly medium triglycerides (triglycerides being the term for fat molecules found in the body). Medium chain triglycerides (MCTs) have a shorter "chain length" than other saturated fats. This is what makes coconut oil easier to ingest and digest.  It does not require the use of bile salts for digestion. Therefore, MCTs are rapidly absorbed from the intestine and sent to the liver where they are oxidized (burned).  As a result, they are much less likely to be stored as fat. MCTs found in coconut oil help conserve lean body mass, because they prevent protein from being utilized as an energy source.

Auf Wiedersehen for now, Michael

"Project Runway" contestant Michael Costello came to the end of his run on the Lifetime series Thursday night.

Some friends (Jim, Arden, Gary) and I watched as Michael received his farewell from Heidi and hugged and cried with the three remaining finalists. An argument could be made that the Palm Springs designer was cheated, as Heidi only kissed one of his cheeks. What's with that?

During the episode we were trying to determine whether Andy or Michael would get the ax. Most of us said Andy. Local loyalty and wishful thinking, perhaps.

I must admit Michael's departure was more dramatic than any our group had seen. Hanging his head, he lingered on the stage a bit longer than we've seen any other contestant stand there. Then backstage in the "kiss and cry" room he turned to the wall as if to pound out his disappointment with his fist or his head -- thankfully he didn't go there.

Pop culture's new M & M?

The big news out of Michael Costello's "Project Runway" viewing party Thursday night was his announcement after the show that he plans to star in another reality show.

The show would follow the friendship, lives and career struggles of Michael and his "Project Runway" costar Mondo Guerra -- hence the M&M.

"It's sort of like 'My Life on the D List' meets 'The Surreal Life,'" Richard Galvin, Michael's partner of seven years, said.

The idea grew out of the friendship that developed between the designers this season and the way they interact, Richard said.

"The chemistry between those two is dynamic" he said. "Michael is inside how Mondo dresses on the outside."

Michael Costello celebrates 'Project Runway' experience

Michael Costello, center, surrounded by new friends. I'm on the far left.

Watching episodes of this season's "Project Runway," contestant Michael Costello sees more than the ambitious challenges, intense critiques and awe-inspiring creativity the show's fans have come to expect. He sees personality quirks and characteristics he wasn't sure he had.

"I didn't know I was such a strong person," Michael said Friday when we sat down for a chat at a coffee shop in Palm Springs, Ca. "It was painful being there without Richard (his life partner of seven years), without my son, without my mom."

He had limited communication with his family during the nearly eight weeks the reality TV series was taped in New York City.

Michael's strength was evident during a group design challenge when some teammates attempted to "throw him under the bus" -- an expression host Heidi Klum has used a lot this season. Michael remained calm, confident and positive. The experience seemed to galvanize him.

THE LIFE: Gay Days at Disneyland



Jose, Charles, Will (about to bite off Charles'
ear), Dan, Brazilian woman and son

 My life is missing whole chunks of pop culture influences.

Unlike my friends, I can't sing along to ABBA songs. You can take my gay membership card now.

I've never seen "Mame," "The Goonies" or any of the "Star Wars" franchise. I know, gasp!

How did I miss out on what was the rage for many of my peers? I certainly didn't miss the hype (These topics still come up during cocktail or dinner party chatter, and my contribution is usually to ask questions)? But during my childhood I simply wasn't interested or aware enough that paying attention would be socially useful as an adult.

But here's the kicker: I can't remember ever as a child wanting to visit Disneyland. Yes I was a Disney virgin (a moniker enthusiastically bestowed upon me Saturday).

So when a couple of friends, Charles and Jose, invited me to spend a Gay Day with them at Anaheim's international attraction, I didn't ask a lot of questions. I just said yes. It would be a new experience, probably a lot of fun and fill in a few cultural gaps, I thought. The three of us met up with another friend, Dan, and my deflowering began -- at "The Happiest Place on Earth."

SPIRITUALITY: Should gay men have a relationship with God?

THE WILL DEAN SHOW asked a few spiritual teachers and community leaders: Is it important for gay men to acknowledge spirituality as part of their lives and practice a faith/spiritual belief? 

Here are some of their answers (in no particular order):

"Spirituality is an important component of every person's life. … As gay men, it is a part of our reclaiming the role and gift that we have historically held as shaman, healer, teacher and twin-spirited person.

"A denial of our spirit is a denial of the integral humanity/spirit that we are and disables our full embodiment as co-creators in the world.

"A person's spirituality is something that has to be practiced in order to have its fullest effect.

"For many, this spirituality is exercised through some ‘organized’ practice or faith tradition. I am a practicing Christian in the progressive community and have come to a faith in Jesus who teaches values, not dogma.

"For me, the importance is to recognize our spiritual capacity and to spend time in building that practice. It is the inner work that connects us with our spirituality or spirit.

"We have allowed too many to rob us of our spirituality and it is time to reclaim our faith, our spirit and to see how the world begins to change when we do.”

Rev. Dr. Neil G. Thomas, senior pastor at Metropolitan Community Church in Los Angeles, CA, http://www.mccla.org/

“I don't think there is anything beyond this life--no gods, spirits,  supernatural beings or forces, etc.--so I would not recommend acknowledging spirituality or practicing a faith to anyone, gay or straight, young, middle-aged, or old. I would strongly recommend thoughtful consideration of ethics, adopting moral principles and following them, treating your fellow human beings with care and respect, and reading and thinking widely. While there is no credible evidence of a life beyond this one or of any ultimate, externally created purpose for our lives,  this life (the only one any of us have) matters. Kindness and graciousness matter. Creating and then fulfilling our own human purposes are worthwhile for our own sakes. How we live and treat each other affects them and us, and life, though inevitably unbearable at times and sure to end, should be as rich, interesting, and satisfying as possible while we live.”

Dr. Ed Buckner, retiring president of American Atheists Inc. based in Cranford, NJ, http://www.atheists.org/

 “Lots of gay men have a strong spiritual connection and longing. But ‘spiritual’ is vague, it can mean anything. To me the vital question is: Is there a God? I can argue that this is the most important issue of all time, any time. And if there is a God, does that God have attributes, characteristics, a personality? The answer to these questions shapes everything. If there is no God, we’re all random products of the universe. If there is a God, has that God tried to reveal Him or Itself to us? Are we God’s creation, what does God want from us? It’s up to us, if we choose to, to explore this issue and try to separate our responses from all the stuff we’ve learned before. It has to be a personal discovery or it’s pretty meaningless. If there is a God and that God has tried to reach us, it’s profoundly meaningful.”

Dr. Nick Warner, counselor and pastor/co-founder of Desert Oasis Chapel in Palm Springs, CA, http://www.desertoasischapel.com/

WHAT DO YOU THINK? 

Post a comment below.

ARTS & BOOKS: 'Blackbird' author dispels myths

One of the perks of living in Southern California is the opportunity to meet amazingly talented people whose work I’ve admired and enjoyed. After moving to Palm Springs about three years ago I looked up novelist Larry Duplechan.

I had read Larry’s novel “Blackbird” when I was in college.  The story of Johnnie Ray Rousseau, a black gay teen, was unlike any other I had read.  I was enthralled and devoured three of Larry’s other books: “Tangled Up In Blue,” “Captain Swing” and “Got ‘Til It’s Gone.” (Larry won a  2009 Lambda Literary Award in the Gay Romance category for the latter.)

I found Larry through Facebook last year.  It turns out, he lives in L.A. We e-mailed back and forth a couple of times, then he mentioned he planned to spend the Fourth of July in Palm Springs.

Our meeting in the desert city didn’t happen as expected. While dancing at a local hangout that holiday weekend, I noticed this attractive, energetic couple tearing up the dance floor only three feet away. One of the guys looked like Larry’s Facebook photo, so I introduced myself. That’s right, I finally met Larry Duplechan on the dance floor in Palm Springs – where else, right?

He definitely has some good moves, but like his characters, Larry isn’t one to dance around an issue or the point he wants to make. Here,  he tells THE WILL DEAN SHOW about the realities of being a published author, which writers inspire him and why the gay “community” just may be a myth.

FITNESS: You are what you drink

By LORNE OPLER

Walk around any gym, and you’ll see everyone carrying a water bottle.  We all know we're supposed to drink water when we exercise, but why?  Here are some of the most important reasons:

1)      Water is critical to maintain healthy joints.  Surrounding your joints is a thick, water-containing substance called synovial fluid, which lubricates the bones’ cartilage (shock absorbing material at the ends of the bone).  Synovial fluid ensures smooth movement of bones when they rub against each other.  When we exercise, we lose water through perspiration.   If we don’t hydrate sufficiently, there is less water in our synovial fluid to keep the joints healthy. 

2)       Water affects our digestive system.  Drinking adequate amounts of water helps to improve the transporting of nutrients from the bloodstream to muscle cells, and the excretion of waste products.   Typically, weight trainers consume more calories than the average person, making adequate water consumption even more important.

3)      Water helps reduce fatigue. Research has shown that a loss of 2 or more percent of  body weight from perspiration is connected to a drop in plasma volume (Plasma is the liquid which carries blood cells and is almost all water).   With less plasma moving through the body, the heart works harder to get blood and its nutrients circulated.  This can also cause muscle cramps, dizziness and fatigue.  With a 2 percent loss of water, the body is already in a state of dehydration.     And dehydration will always cause your exercise performance to suffer.   

THE LIFE: Single men and self-love



Steven Bereznai

Remember when being a single, gay man was more fabulous than freakish? It can and should be again, according to author Steven Bereznai.

A friend recently handed me a copy of Steven’s book, “Gay and Single … Forever? 10 Things Every Gay Guy Looking for Love (and Not Finding It) Needs To Know.”  I must admit that as a single man I was initially wary of reading another “self-help” book or magazine article on the right way to meet the right guy.

But my curiosity won out. It helped that Steven’s title has 10 things to know rather than do. It didn’t seem exhausting to read.

While reading I was fascinated by the honesty with which Steven wrote about his own journey, the research he did into the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender) subculture and the historical component.

Finishing the book was the equivalent to exhaling after holding my breath for what seemed like years. I began to relax about being unattached today, tomorrow and possibly forever.

Here,  as the first guest on THE WILL DEAN SHOW, Steven shares insights on how being gay and single is a good thing.

WDS: Has embracing the "gay and single" status as a good thing, as your book suggests, changed what you think about the battle for full marriage rights for gay men and lesbians?

SB: I've always been in favor of equal marriage rights because it raises our legal status overall. The down side unfortunately, which I cover in the book, is that the more accepting everyone is of gays and lesbians, the more they put the same pressure on us to follow the same path of life, and believe there's something wrong with those of us who are single, regardless of sexual orientation. That was one of the interesting things about talking to gays who were part of the so-called "golden age of promiscuity" in the 70s. Gays were still looking for partners, but no one ever asked "why" are you single? Coupledom wasn't expected, and that takes so much pressure off of us singles.

Welcome to the show!

I have 43 years. 


Yep, that’s my age. It’s not who I am.

Taking my cue from some Europeans I read about – they always seem more sophisticated than everyone else, right? – I decided last December 13 to own my age instead of be defined by it.

I am not 43 years old! I have, as a Parisian might say, 43 years of love, joy, sadness, grief, friendship, success, failure, anger, envy, laughter, desire, rejection, kindness – i.e. experience – and hopefully wisdom.

It’s my declaration that life shouldn’t end when your age starts with a 4, 5 or 6. Though the world of entertainment, various media and gay culture would have us believe it does end in every way that matters – no relevance, no fun, no love – I intend to dance through my fifth decade and beyond as a fascinating new chapter where I continue to get to know and love the main character.

I know there are other gay men out there who feel the same way. Our world is on the cusp of great change, including same-sex marriage equality. It’s time to recommit to living full and rewarding lives. Many are already doing it through creativity, intelligence, compassion, loving relationships and, when ignorance about who we are persists, a no-holds-barred determination to bring about more change.

These are the men I need to see and read more about. It’s for and about these gay men that I’ve created THE WILL DEAN SHOW, a blog that uplifts, enlightens and celebrates men who refuse to be limited by negative perceptions of what it means to be a gay man in his 40s and beyond. 

ABOUT THE BLOG

THE WILL DEAN SHOW signifies a new day for gay men. It’s a blog designed to inform, provoke, entertain and inspire its readers and participants. Each week it features different topics, such as fitness, relationships, politics, philanthropy, sports, style, the arts, technology and more.

Despite its name, the blog is more than my musings and observations. There are interviews with the experts, authors, community leaders and everyday guys who excel or offer new thought in their particular fields. So keep reading and let me know your thoughts on the topics and what you’d like to see featured.

ABOUT THE NAME

When I was growing up, struggling to understand my differences, there really weren’t any out-and-proud gay men I could look to for support, guidance and kinship. Like a lot of kids who don’t fit in with their families and peers, I escaped the hostile world through reading, writing, drawing and television.

It was through TV talk shows that I first heard gay people discuss their issues and dreams. As hokey as it may sound, “The Phil Donahue Show” held up a mirror and helped me see for the first time that I was going to be OK.

THE WILL DEAN SHOW is an homage to Mr. Donahue, chat queen Oprah Winfrey and all other creative outlets that encourage us to validate, enrich and live our lives.