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| Steven Bereznai |
A friend recently handed me a copy of Steven’s book, “Gay and Single … Forever? 10 Things Every Gay Guy Looking for Love (and Not Finding It) Needs To Know.” I must admit that as a single man I was initially wary of reading another “self-help” book or magazine article on the right way to meet the right guy.
But my curiosity won out. It helped that Steven’s title has 10 things to know rather than do. It didn’t seem exhausting to read.
While reading I was fascinated by the honesty with which Steven wrote about his own journey, the research he did into the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender) subculture and the historical component.
Finishing the book was the equivalent to exhaling after holding my breath for what seemed like years. I began to relax about being unattached today, tomorrow and possibly forever.
Here, as the first guest on THE WILL DEAN SHOW, Steven shares insights on how being gay and single is a good thing.
WDS: Has embracing the "gay and single" status as a good thing, as your book suggests, changed what you think about the battle for full marriage rights for gay men and lesbians?
SB: I've always been in favor of equal marriage rights because it raises our legal status overall. The down side unfortunately, which I cover in the book, is that the more accepting everyone is of gays and lesbians, the more they put the same pressure on us to follow the same path of life, and believe there's something wrong with those of us who are single, regardless of sexual orientation. That was one of the interesting things about talking to gays who were part of the so-called "golden age of promiscuity" in the 70s. Gays were still looking for partners, but no one ever asked "why" are you single? Coupledom wasn't expected, and that takes so much pressure off of us singles.
What's the biggest misconception the gay men you know or met through the book have about relationships?
The biggest misconception I think for longtime singles is that a relationship will make everything better, or that there is something wrong with them for not having a boyfriend. I encourage people to really ask themselves how they think their life would change if they had a boyfriend. Is it sex? Intimacy? Travel companion? Prestige? There are ways to bring these things into one's life without a boyfriend.
What's the first step in releasing the frustrating sense of failure that often comes with being single?
One of my favorite lines from the book is "Gay is good. Gay and single used to be too." By remembering that it wasn't always like this, that there was a time when singlehood was considered OK, it can help undo some of the cultural brainwashing we've been exposed to that can make us feel so horrible about ourselves. For myself, I mentally stopped myself and said, take a look around. This is your life. I've arrived. Instead of seeking and searching for that "other," what am I going to do with what I've already got to build the life I want?
What role did technology, particularly matchmaker and hookup websites, play in how you feel about being single?
I used to approach online sites the way I would a takeout menu from a restaurant. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. You can't just say "I want that" and expect it to show up at your door (I'm excluding escort sites here obviously :). So I had to get over that. I've had decent experiences from PlentyofFish, and I like Facebook for getting to know people better and setting up dates.
Are there manhunting techniques successful for gay men in their 20s that should be outlawed for men in their 30s, 40s and beyond?
Lol...hmmm...which techniques are you referring to??? I'm just going to say that if it's working for you as an individual, everything is fair game. I think guys in their 40s with bleached hair look ridiculous, but if it makes them feel good, and they're getting the results that they want, whatever they may be, then go for it. It's your life, not mine.
Of all the people you interviewed for the book and met afterward, who does being single exceptionally well?
I would say my friend and author Wayson Choy. He has his biological family, but also his "city family" and his "country family." These are families with no blood connection, are straight, have kids, and he's bought houses with both and they are there for each other, through sickness and health. It's really amazing to see.
Are there still moments when the thought of being single, possibly forever, scares you? What do you do to get over that fear?
There are times when the fear rears its head. I've now had a relationship, so I remind myself of why that relationship ended, and that is very grounding. I also think about the things I want to do that I might hold back on if I were coupled, and then I do those things, I put more into my relationsihp with friends and family, and I allow myself to experience feelings and intimacy with the short-term sexual encounters that I have.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
What's next for you with your writing or other work?
I currently have a gay teen super hero book out called "Queeroes," which is a lot of fun, and I am working on the sequel to that. I've got a kids' picture book coming out later this year about a Christmas ornament. I also have my sights set on doing an independent film this year. So lots on the go!!!
Birth name: Steven Bereznai
Age: Must we? Let's say 30s.
City of residence: Toronto
Relationship status: Single...Forever?
Where is your favorite place to read? The cottage.
Website: http://www.stevenbereznai.com/
Thanks for posting the interview Will. Maybe you can lend me the book now?
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