RELATIONSHIPS: Oh brother, you're gay too?





The Cohan brothers from about 1970 (left to right): David, Dan and Gary





When David Cohan came out to his family a year after college, he already had an ally within the fold who could identify with his struggle and offer guidance -- only David didn't realize it at the time.

He was the youngest of three sons in a middle-class Jewish American family in Philadelphia. After coming out he learned from friends that his brother Gary, the middle son, also was gay. Though they were not particularly close, having a gay sibling freed David from the sense of "aloneness" many gay men feel when they come out to their families. It helps that there's someone else who understands the experience and the family dynamic.

For those of us who don't have a close gay relative, there's a curiosity about what it would be like to have a gay brother to give advice and support, and show us the ropes.

David shares his experience with THE WILL DEAN SHOW, emphasizing that each family's situation is different and every sibling's perspective is unique. For example, after David came out to himself he realized his brother might be gay, but Gary hadn't said it.


"I had a therapist who suggested I come out to him and see if he’d come out to me," David said. "I did, he didn’t. It took him about two weeks."

WDS: What did he say?

DC: I don’t remember. I was pissed he hadn't come out. He told me at our favorite diner in Philadelphia.

Then he started doing things. It was all new to me. He took me to my first gay bar.

I was trying to be like Gary. He was dressing hyper-masculine, construction boots, a flannel shirt. I was wearing real hiking boots and Jordache jeans. Maybe they were Jordache jeans then – the early 80s. It was hilarious.

Did you become closer?

I think we probably did at first. He was in medical school so we didn’t spend a lot of time together. I was somewhat of a threat to him because he wasn’t out to the family at that time.

He and I would go out to a gay bar. The next morning I would talk to my mom on the phone and she would say “You sound tired.” I would tell her that I had been out late with friends. She would say the same thing to Gary and he would say he had been up all night studying.

How did your parents react to your coming out?

No one wants to make their mother cry. I came out to my father first.

I broke that ground. Two years later Dad had to take something to Gary and just asked him, “Are you gay?” Gary’s reaction was “Well why do you ask?” He didn’t say, “Hell no; what are you talking about?"

My theory was my coming out made it easier for him. I had lots of conversations with my parents. They had two years. They asked him.

My mom said early on that parents have certain dreams for their children. It sounds corny but the white picket fence, wife and children. She learned from me they could have different dreams. She said it takes a little bit of time for parents to change dreams.

The good thing Gary did; he [suggested our parents get] involved with PFLAG [Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians and Gays]. My parents got very involved in that in Philadelphia. They started seeing some of their friends there who would say “My daughter is gay.” They more than attended. They served on the board, started running workshops.

You have a straight brother.

He’s the oldest. He was from Day 1 loving and comfortable and accepting. He was the first one to make off-color jokes [about having two gay brothers].

I can’t imagine there’s a downside to having a gay brother.

It depends on the relationship you have with your sibling. You share something big. It’s not like we drive the same car; it’s orientation. We have a shared history. You’re kindred spirits but you’re not [necessarily] close friends.

The other night when you said the most common question people ask you when they find out you have a gay brother is if you’ve slept together, I was amazed. Why do you think people ask that?

It’s the hyper-sexualized image of male gay culture. We’ve all surfed the Internet and seen they’re marketing the set of twins with six-pack abs – the twelve-pack.

But it’s like asking a straight man if he’s had sex with his sister.

Yes, and that’s the question I come back with. I find out if the person asking has a sibling of opposite sex and I ask that.

I know your father is still alive. Has your relationship with him changed over the years since you came out?

All relationships change but it’s good. [Coming out] forms a sense of caring and trust that goes beyond anything you had before.